I Remember…

I remember a light in the distance, shining through a thick mist. Like the golden glow from home’s window beckoning through a foggy winter night, this light promised comfort, warmth, and safety. I wondered where I was.

A radiant figure took my hand and helped me rise. This being had no distinguishing characteristics, no facial features, no discernible edges; just gentle, warm, soft light. There was a familiarity between us that I couldn’t quite identify. Wordlessly I followed this being, clutching the compassionate warmth.

We walked toward the glow in the mist. There was so much light! I instinctively squinted, then realized I didn’t need to. The light did not hurt my eyes. As we got closer, I could see there were countless other beings there, all glowing softly. They welcomed me like they knew and valued me. They moved around me until I was engulfed in their radiance. I was crying with joy and a sense of returning. Like recalling the essence of a distant loving memory.

My inner self swelled and overtook the illusion of my body. My soul knew it was home! I suddenly had the answers to all of the questions I no longer needed to ask, because it didn’t matter any more. These beings really knew me and loved me with total and unbreakable acceptance. I found what was missing in my life! I was home and I was never going to leave again. Rosy gold mist swirled around us as I melted into their light.

Suddenly, I was aware of my human form again. It was as if they had pushed me back through an invisible barrier. I was confused. I looked at them, all of us still standing there in the mist.

“You have to go back now,” they said.

“But I don’t want to! I’m home! I want to stay here!”

“It’s not time yet.”

“Why did you bring me here if I can’t stay?!”

“We wanted you to remember.”

All went dark.

I woke up some time later, and laying there in the darkness, in pain from the seizure I had just suffered, I realized I had been to ‘the other side.’ I was overwhelmed by the immense beauty, serenity, and love I had felt there in the mist. But I was also overwhelmed by the unfairness of it all.

Why did I have to come back? Living was torture for me. Guilt, shame, and unworthiness ruled my life. My children were my joy, but my feelings of inadequacy as their mother often overshadowed that. If these beings wanted me to stay here, then they should have given me some better tools to work with!

That night was more that 25 years ago. I saw these beings several more times and I trudged through life, doing the best that I could. But for a while, at night in the solitude of my bedroom, I prayed for them to come take me, and this time, keep me. I needed to be in the safety of that light.

Gradually, I found bits of that ‘heavenly experience’ manifesting in my life. My heart thawed as I saw how much of that light was in my children. I started to make better decisions, which led to more confidence in myself. Maybe I wasn’t so bad after all. My children deserved to feel that security and acceptance I had felt. When I embraced them, I imagined that rosy, golden light flowing through us. As time went by, I found I could see it in everything that lived. I started to reconnect to earthly life.

As years passed, I realized more and more that those beings of light had given me better tools to work with. First, they awakened and assured me as one would a child in a bad dream. They opened me with a sense of awareness, renewed courage, and perseverance. I know I have that light inside of me. Not because they gave it to me that night, but because I have always had it. That’s what they wanted me to remember.

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